On Living with Anxiety (+ 29 Tips and Tools for Restoring Calm)
A guest post from self-employment and productivity coach Claire Emerson
This is a guest post from my dear friend and colleague Claire Emerson. Many thanks to Claire for her helpful tips and her willingness to be vulnerable in her writing. She’s a rock star and a mental health warrior, in my humble opinion.
I’ve experienced panic attacks as far back as primary school.
Since then, they’ve risen during seemingly random periods of my life, and mostly, I have just pushed through them or avoided the activities that sparked the feelings.
Then, in 2021 (one week shy of my 35th birthday), I experienced a full-on mental health crisis.
My long-lived anxiety reared its ugly head two years into being a mum (right around the time I stopped breastfeeding). It was peak COVID. And among other things, the isolation did me zero favors.
I felt disconnected from my joy. My relationship with my husband was rocky. I was ravaged by insecurity, fear, and hopelessness. And at one point, I thought there would never be a time when I would feel good again.
(Hell, even just “okay” would have sufficed. )
Having yet to learn what I (thankfully) know now — it was a tough time to live through.
But I’m happy to say there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Anxiety: A fear of fear itself
I spent almost two years after my initial breakdown avoiding the things that made me uncomfortable or triggered my anxiety.
Car rides. Trains. Travel in general, really.
Uncomfortable conversations.
Talking about my feelings…
My fear of sparking a panic attack (which had amped up x1000 after my breakdown in 2021) was a massive factor in my life. I thought or worried about it nearly every day. And one of the worst things was that I started to dread Sundays.
If you know me, you know Sundays are “my thing” or rather “our thing” because they’re a ritual I’ve had with my husband since 2009. On Sundays, there are no food rules, no work, no phones (mostly), and no worries. It’s a carefree day spent with my little family. And it’s the absolute best.
But during my “peak anxiety period,” it became a day that filled me with dread. Because family day usually meant a trip in the car somewhere. Not a problem for me during the week as I stay local, but on Sundays, we venture out.
And the fear of a panic attack was intense.
Naturally, I wanted to avoid that feeling altogether. So I took Ativan.
The tranquilizer era.
After my breakdown in June 2021, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with
General Anxiety Disorder,
Depression (situational, not clinical), and
Panic Disorder.
As a result, I was prescribed two meds: an SSRI and Ativan (which my doctor called the “fire extinguisher”.)
Unlike the SSRI, Ativan is not an everyday pill. It’s an “as-needed” pill for when panic attacks occur. It starts working within 20 minutes of taking it, and it mellows you out (because it’s a tranq, duh!)
And best believe every Sunday, I would pop one of those fire extinguishers to make sure I could get in the car without all the anticipatory anxiety and fear-fueled thoughts.
It worked like a charm.
Yet, being on meds was not something I wanted for myself.
I’m sure part of me didn’t want the judgment. But the major reason I didn’t want to continue the medication route was simply because, since my initial diagnosis, I had learned so much more about anxiety (and how to deal with it).
The major shift came after reading the eye-opening book Brain Energy, in which I discovered how tranquilizers hinder your ability to rewire your brain—something I didn’t even know was possible!
After this breakthrough—meds no longer seemed the best way to help me.
Neuroplasticity to the rescue?
“Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to change and adapt due to experience. It is an umbrella term referring to the brain's ability to change, reorganize, or grow neural networks. This can involve functional changes due to brain damage or structural changes due to learning.” - Very Well Mind
In other words, neuroplasticity and its more practical application for our purposes—Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)—can help you change the pathways in your brain. It repairs the way your body reacts when your anxiety triggers.
CBT works to retrain the relationship between your amygdala and your fear response.
"To understand a panic attack, we need to realize that the physical symptoms experienced by the person are created by an adrenaline rush. This occurs when our stress system is activated by the amygdala (a part of our brain that responds to danger), or gunslinger, firing inadvertently and seemingly without warning." - Dr. Harry Barry
Cognitive behavioral therapist and author Dr. Harry Barry (who you’ll notice comes up later in my recommendations) calls the amygdala the gunslinger in the stress system:
“It shoots from the hip, often without thinking, and does not really worry about the consequences. The gunslinger is not particularly smart, has a long memory, does not respond to regular talk therapies, and regularly disregards instructions from head office; that is our logical brain.”
CBT helps to make the amygdala less trigger-happy.
With practice, you subsequently reduce the physical symptoms of panic and anxiety and learn to restore calm quickly and effectively. In many cases, you can cease the panic-fueled reactions you have altogether.
This was something I longed to do. But as I’d learned—isn’t possible—if you take tranquilizers.
Easing off medication and into the mind-blowing world of CBT
I was on anxiety meds for about two years. And was taking a ~weekly tranquilizer (pretty much anytime I was in for a long-ish car ride) up until the end of 2023.
Fast forward to now…
Well, I still have anxiety.
I don’t, however, have panic attacks (or a fear of them) anymore.
I don’t take either SSRI’s or Ativan.
And I don’t feel the same way about my anxiety as I did before.
My perspective has flipped entirely. And there is less guilt, shame, and fear wrapped up in my feelings.
I still have bad days.
I still ruin my plans (anticipatory anxiety is my absolute nemesis!)
I still grapple with feeling big emotions and how to work my way through them without trying to avoid or mask them.
But I don’t hate (or berate) myself for my anxiety anymore.
I have learned that I can manage.
That there is no scenario that I can’t cope with.
And there is no experience I must endure on my own without seeking help.
Best of all…
There is rarely a problem that someone else has not already experienced, solved, and then written about—so the rest of us can heal from their treatments, too.
Which brings us to the practical part of today’s reading!
Practical tools for dealing with anxiety, panic, and rewiring your brain
Over the past few years, the tools and wisdom I’ve gained from challenging my anxiety have changed my life.
Not only do they help make anxiety easier to manage, but they’ve also reinstalled my optimism and armed me with terrific resources that work across all areas of life.
So, while this is certainly not medical advice, I want to share the resources that have yielded the best results for me. In the hopes that if you struggle with anxiety or panic, you’ll find them as helpful as I did in the face of all that fear.
There are three things I want to highlight first:
The single most effective exercise for curing panic attacks.
Seven standout books I recommend (to anyone who experiences anxiety).
Three habits that can make the most difference when you’re at your worst (and best!)
Then, you’ll find a list of lessons, phrases, and reframes that have positively impacted my mental health. These are mostly one-liners that are worth remembering when you need to restore calm.
Let’s dig in.
1. The single most effective exercise to permanently overcome panic attacks
Did you know that trying to “breathe through” a panic attack can actually prolong it?
I certainly didn’t. After years of panic attacks, I finally learned that many of my “in-the-moment” coping mechanisms were likely doing more harm than good!
It was a groundbreaking realization for me.
Do you know what the mind-bending solution for panic attacks really is?
Stop trying to avoid them.
In fact, you must do the opposite—tell yourself to “bring it on.”
It’s a technique called Flooding.
Here is a brief introduction to the Flooding technique from Dr. Harry Barry:
"Lots of people try to do breathing exercises in the middle of a panic attack, but that only makes them become more panicky.
I teach a flooding technique, which means that the patient has to accept the symptoms. Imagine that you were stuck to the ground, allowing the waves of physical sensations to just wash over you and move on. If you do this, the panic symptoms will be gone in 10 minutes or less. If you try to stop them, they may last for hours.
Some panic attacks can last hours, but if you let the adrenaline rush happen, they will pass more quickly. At first, this is unpleasant, but finally, the memory in the amygdala changes. You weaken it, so patients start to lose their fear of panic attacks, and then they stop happening completely. It's about retraining the brain.
I get them to do a panic exercise where I try to get them to bring on a panic attack, and when they can't, they realize that I'm putting them back in charge of their bodies. It's very rewarding.”
After practicing Flooding only a handful of times, I was essentially cured of my panic disorder. Most noticeably, I can ride in cars carefree and med-free!
To learn more about this mind-blowing technique, I urge you to read his book Anxiety and Panic or watch this series of short videos in which Dr. Barry shares his insights on using Flooding to permanently overcome panic attacks.
(If someone you know or love suffers from panic attacks, please share it with them.)
2. Seven standout books (and authors) you can’t afford to ignore
Much of what I’ve learned about anxiety has come from phenomenal books.
If a book provides even one helpful tool, idea, or perspective flip—I consider it a win.
But several books have seriously over-delivered. And they’re worth shouting from the rooftops.
I hope these recommendations serve you as well as they have served me!
Flagging Panic and Anxiety: Reshaping Your Anxious Mind and Brain, by Dr. Harry Barry
(Arguably the most valuable piece of literature I have ever consumed. And I find the author's Irish accent incredibly soothing to listen to!)Owning It: Your Bullsh*t Free Guide to Coping with Anxiety, by Caroline Foran (A plethora of practical advice that you will keep going back to. Caroline also has an excellent podcast called Owning It, which I highly recommend. She is also Irish!)
Brain Energy: A Revolutionary Breakthrough in Understanding Mental Health—and Improving Treatment for Anxiety, Depression, OCD, PTSD, and More, by Christopher M. Palmer MD (Completely flipped my attitude and approach toward healing from anxiety. And helped me realize that medication isn’t the best/only way to treat anxiety. This was my first real introduction to Neuroplasticity.)
Awareness: Conversations with the Masters, Anthony de Mello (An important shift away from my science-focused reading and into the realm of spiritual awakening. Amazing on Audible. Packed full of fun anecdotes to cut through the heavy topics.)
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself, Michael A. Singer (This spirituality-focused book shares many parallels with the science side of dealing with anxiety. Striking a balance between the two frontiers has been the most rewarding.)
Man’s Search for Meaning, by Dr. Viktor E. Frankl (A profound and powerful story coupled with eye-opening insights on existentialism and logotherapy. A book genuinely worthy of the hype. And one I reread often.)
The Mountain is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Self-Mastery, by Brianna Wiest (One of my favorite writers and a remarkable resource for overcoming self-sabotage. Centered around deep self-discovery, challenging your behavior, and reorienting your mind.)
Funnily enough, while I’m usually a reader-reader, I get most of my mental health books on Audible.
If I’m reading on my Kindle app, the topic can easily make me uncomfortable, and I might stop. Audio is a low-lift way of consuming potentially troubling content. And, of course, it’s hands-free.
Plus, I find someone else speaking into my head incredibly soothing. It quietens the anxious mind.
3. Three sustainable daily habits that can make all the difference
Habit #1: Low-impact workouts and walking every day
Thankfully, since getting my first dog in 2014, a daily walk has been an easy, positive habit for me to cultivate. So, if nothing else, this is your permission to get a dog (or goat, or pig—or something you can walk and bond with.)
Walking is a powerful keystone habit and is so easy to start.
However, I have struggled to build a consistent exercise habit for many years (one where I’m not just moving but actively getting stronger and working up a bit of a sweat.)
My mental health decline ended up being the boost I needed to get this habit going. And
I’m proud to say that since the end of 2023, I've become increasingly consistent with prioritizing these workouts.
For this habit to remain consistent, I have to make it doable for my circumstances, which means:
It has to occur in the morning right after I wake up (or it won’t get done!)
It can’t depend on being somewhere else, like the gym. I have to be home (being a parent), so I use an app called FitOn for ready-made workouts of all kinds.
It has to be something that works well for my body and enjoyment. I was a dancer for 16 years, so I have found low-impact (usually bodyweight) workouts like Pilates, Barre, and Yoga to work best for me.
I still fall off the wagon sometimes. But at least I’m consistent with getting back on :)
Habit #2: Good sleep
I doubt I need to sell you on the benefits of solid rest and sleep. But in the interest of practical (albeit anecdotal) advice—good sleep for me looks like this:
intentional practice of calming techniques throughout the day
no caffeine after 2 pm (and generally, only one coffee a day)
no alcohol (never a problem for me as I don’t drink)
an early bedtime between (8.30-9.30)
reading fiction to wind down
exercise every day
I love a good chamomile tea, too.
As you know, the after-effects of anxiety often yield a difficult come-down period. Your body is fatigued, your emotions are heavy, and your cortisol is high.
But often, all we need is a good night’s sleep to help restore calm.
During any highly anxious periods—when cortisol is raging, and my sleep is the most affected—I will help re-regulate with a nightly dose of Melatonin. One night usually does the trick to get me back on track.
Of course, please consult your doctor if you’re considering melatonin or sleep aids.
Habit #3: Journaling
Anxiety is driven by our emotional mind.
So, one of the most powerful calming techniques is to engage your rational mind as quickly as possible.
You can do this easily by writing things down (I’m talking about an actual notebook with a physical writing implement.)
Not only is journaling perfect for in-the-moment calming (for example, challenging your thoughts using the ABC method). But it’s also a great practice for every day.
I use the Five Minute Journal and also practice freewriting or morning pages. For this, I will mix it up between a physical journal and 750words.com (digital-friendly).
29 quick tips for fostering inner peace (and building skills that restore calm)
What I’ve learned about anxiety has radically redefined my relationship with it.
And, after rummaging through my “Year in Review” journal entry for the end of 2023, I found an empowering list of things I have learned related to mental health and reducing the terrifying grip anxiety had on my life.
Below, you’ll find short quotes that have stayed with me, ideas to challenge or redirect your thoughts, and observations from my experience with CBT and rebuilding the pathways in my brain… I hope they help.
Anxiety is not against us; it is protecting us.
The feeling is not the enemy. Vulnerability is necessary.
We can experience an emotion without letting it control how we behave.
Discomfort is the way. Pain is the point.
The fear of loss is greater than the loss itself.
The present moment is the only one we can improve upon immediately.
When we block negative feelings, we block positive feelings too.
Flooding yourself with the feelings of fear—instead of running from them—is how to conquer them for good.
Writing things down engages the rational mind and calms the emotional mind.
To break free of the mental, we need to sink into the physical.
We can rewire our brains. Neuroplasticity is the savior for all self-inflicted suffering.
You can’t regulate an emotion you don’t allow yourself to feel.
Social connection is a vital piece of flourishing. Go out more.
Hard decisions = easy life. Easy decisions = hard life.
Every storm runs out of rain.
How I feel today is not how I will feel tomorrow.
Exercise is a cure-all. And can be done from anywhere.
Positive emotions can be fleeting. Learn to spot them and indulge as much as you can.
Consistency and perseverance are how we succeed. Not giving up is a strong skill to own.
The physical symptoms of anxiety are not dangerous in any way. Just feel them. And carry on.
Anxiety is just background noise.
Every time we face a challenge, we gain a new set of tools to triumph over our struggle in the future
Speaking up and sharing insecurities is a great way to get over them. Bottling them up makes them burst out when it’s least convenient.
A bad day does not equal a bad life.
Thoughts are not facts. Ask yourself: Is this opinion or fact?
Mindfulness as a daily practice should never be underestimated and always be prioritized. One mindful breath is a great start.
Emotions are not the enemy. And we can reshape how we react to them.
No one is without pain and discomfort. We all deal differently—but keeping it to ourselves is not a solution. Fear is extinguished when you find someone to voice it to.
For every difficult day, there is a glorious day yet to come.
Lastly, if you struggle with anxiety or mental health problems, I urge you to seek help.
I can't tell you what that looks like for you. But I do know that trying to do it on your own or just hoping it will pass is unlikely to produce the change you want.
That’s not to say that you can’t help yourself. You absolutely can (the most empowering thing I learned is that some of us don’t need a therapist or pills to get better!)
But you do need:
tools that work for you,
support from a trusted person, and
a willingness to do the (often scary) work that will yield positive change.
And now, I leave you with one final mantra for yourself (that I stole from Mel Robbins Instagram):
“You are safe. You are loved. You are okay.”
You got this ♥️
This is a guest post from my dear friend and colleague Claire Emerson. Many thanks to Claire for her helpful tips and her willingness to be vulnerable.
Thank you for sharing your story and these outstanding, empowering resources. My dad's Parkinson's-induced cognitive decline led me a few years ago to learn about neuroplasticity, and what I read gave me so much hope for our ability to adopt new habits that can make deep, lasting changes.